I’m here for our read swap! I think I’ve owed you one for a while, but not to worry! I’m finally here.
I really like your first chapter. Your sentences flow nicely, and your descriptions aren’t overly detailed, but enough that the reader can imagine the scene in their head.
I love the idea of “moving statues”
Your first chapter is so well-written. Wow.
I’d like to add that I love how your story revolves around the gods. Very cool. I love everything revolving around the idea.
Your writing is nearly flawless! It’s fantastic! You do such a great job of telling the story and introducing the characters.
For now, I’m giving you 6 out of 6 stars. I’m very impressed.
Best of luck to you!
P.S. I like your cover a lot.
Hi Steven, I read chapter 5. This is not my usual reading material, however once I got into the story I was gripped and wanted to know what happened next. I found the style of story telling challenging, like the narrator was describing news events as they happened to a blind person, but once I got over that it was easy to follow. I think you have an excellent if bloodthirsty story here and I believe you should do very well indeed.
Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks – Tide and Time: At The Rock
A very imaginative story, and one that explores the nature of evil and redemption. The first chapter is partcularly striking in its imagery – there is a strong visual quality, and I liked the Divine Trinity nature of the ideas behind the writing.
I liked the way ch. 2 sets up an earthly, very real and pragmatic contrast to the metaphysical nature of ch. 1, and again, Michael’s transformation into the Justicar is vividly and imaginatively expressed. The idea of casting the evil from earth onto a separate sphere will have a lot of advocates! And it creates the basis of an interesting search for redemption and return to Earth by way of trials and adventure – good premise.
Some things that struck me, but did not overly affect my interest and engagement with this story:
Ch. Messengers ‘will keep an eye on them’ . This is a cliche – perhaps use another expression, e.g. ‘will watch them’.
Ch. 2. Michael/Justicar physically loses his eyes, but his sight appears to be restored ch. 3 onward. I know he is transformed in a metaphysical way, but you do need to restore his ‘sight’ in some way; his ability to watch the inhabitants of Nex.
ch. 3. ‘spoke out load’ [loud]. I felt that the mass destruction scenes on Nex, as the evil ones kill and are killed, was a little too compressed. I felt we needed to read a little more about their early arrival, initial bewilderment, fear, anxiety, anger, and then a reassertion of their destructive ways. ‘Millions died in the first few days’ is perhaps too much to take in; you could have, for example, focused on one example as representative of the mass destruction.
Ch. 4 The writing was quite passive throughout, rather than active, which I felt slowed the pace, e.g. Two examples: (1) ‘A fresh kill has been dragged into camp today’, could be made more active: ‘The hunters dragged a fresh kill into the camp’, or even better to name the hunters, e.g. Daniel, xxx, and xxx dragged a fresh kill into the camp’.; (2) ‘Justicar points at David then says…’ – this could be made more active: ‘Justicar pointed at David. ‘Let the trials begin’.
Full marks though, for originality; a very creative idea.
From your pitch I gather that this Daniel guy won’t remember anything about earth. He’ll have to get there by his abilities to overcome the trials. I think if God was to do something like that now to the people in earth there will be an abundance of people failing. People take things for granted. They don’t value the blessings they receive. Striping Daniel of everything will allow him to prove just how determined he is about returning to earth.